西施、昭君、細腰和阿美

音樂好不好聽是很難說的,因為它沒有測量的標準。我們無法用血壓計包住一張CD,「噗滋噗滋噗滋噗滋——咻……」量出它的高好聽值和低好聽值,也無法用數字在專輯背面標示「…(2)香草的天空 - 200卡 (3)Cold Silence - 100卡 (4)花火 - 350卡…」等等。

因此,音樂好不好聽並不是絕對的。所謂「情人眼裡出西施」,只要你願意,它就可以好聽。

唱片公司花了很多心思,想讓自家歌手變成很多歌迷眼中的西施。然而有人或許會問:「何必這麼辛苦?找到真正的西施不就好了嗎?」

嗯,如果事情就是這麼簡單。


☉         ☉         ☉

首先讓我們來看看昭君的故事。

昭君的問題在於不識時務。她對自己的美太有自信,並認定該面試人員只是個毋需在意的小咖,因此對他不太客氣。沒想到這位面試人員的頭銜正是「毛總監」,對昭君的無禮非常感冒,便偷偷用photoshop裡的畫筆工具在昭君照片的臉上點了顆直徑35像素的大痣。

可想而知,在一堆被修成大眼妹的宣傳照裡,昭君的檔案是直接丟進資源回收桶的那種。這個故事告訴我們的是(切換成毛總監的語音):「對 你 最 棒 。 那 又 怎 樣 ?」

(不過昭君後來被交易到西域唱片,卻在那裡當上一姐;這也告訴我們:「不要放棄得太早喔!」)

☉         ☉         ☉

細腰則是另一個可憐的角色。

在某個叫深白的不負責任的詞曲作者杜撰的歷史裡,細腰是楊貴妃的表妹。顧名思義地細腰的腰很細,因此在流行豐腴之美的唐代,細腰的美是屬於非主流的,在排行榜前二十名出現過幾次之後就消失了。

當然細腰也想過跟隨潮流,吃胖一點;然而天生體質就是胖不起來的她吃了半天,反而因為胖得不均勻而變成四不像的身材,最後只能安分地當個非主流美人抑鬱而終。

☉         ☉         ☉

不過,要說到歷史上最可憐的美人,應該要算是阿美了。

什麼?誰是阿美?沒錯,這就是阿美悲哀的地方:明明是個美人,卻可惜生長在一個偏遠的小農村裡;貧苦的老父開不出預算,因此電視沒播過電台沒放過報紙沒登過孤狗百度都搜尋不到。可憐阿美的父母幸運地生了個美人女兒,又辛辛苦苦地養大她,卻因為沒錢作宣傳,而在沒人察覺的狀況下就「過去了」;當代的人不知道,後世的人不記得。

☉         ☉         ☉

美人,真的不是人美就好呢!

然而,身在現代的阿美們是幸運的,因為距離被歷史的巨輪碾過還有好一段時間。因此,繼續努力吧,阿美們!

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